SAI -- Jokes Page 0

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A professor was giving a big test one day to his
students. He handed out all of the tests and went
back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the
students all handed the tests back in. The professor
noticed that one of the students had attached a $100
bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per
point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back
out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some roadside damage directly
across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a
Protestant Reverend lurking about - - and then ducking into the house.

"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those
Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"

They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short
time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously
and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

"Did ya see that, Darby?", Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is
nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world
is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of
the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"

Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking
about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then
quietly sneaking in the door.

"Oh no, Darby, look!" Said Pat removing his cap, "One of the poor girls
musta died."

"30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN" - Rated R

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion
about who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara,"
exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm
appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come
as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper
and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith
in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly,
for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped.
Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning
to recite the Quran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian,
"I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean.
Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly
thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed
up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my
faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly,
for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped.
Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now
teaching young children about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the
Jew, " I was in my most expensive designer outfit in
the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag
on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put
my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I
truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and
we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I
did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed
and suddenly, for 500 meters all around me, it was
Tuesday... "

Courtesy of friends on the flightline, here are some actual
"Red Card" items (maintenance complaints) submitted by US
Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Odd Smell coming from bottom of cockpit"
Solution: "Suggest you wash your feet more frequently"

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main
landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a
200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "Funny rattling noise heard on take-off"
Solution: "Replaced funny rattle with a serious one"

Problem: "IFF inoperative in 'Official' mode."
Solution: "IFF is supposed to be inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's
circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back
to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet
another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur
(a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that
he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you
give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's
cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur
gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered
a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric
question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there
to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a
steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so
simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back,
answer it for me."

Little Johnny's in a checkout line standing right
behind a man who's purchasing the following items:

One roll of toilet paper.
One bar of soap
One toothbrush.
One TV dinner.
One can of soda.
One small bag of chips.

Little Johnny asks the man, "Are you single?"
"Yeah," the man replied in a real sarcastic tone,
"how did you ever guess?"

Little Johnny said, "Because you're so fucking ugly!"

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to
his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to
ask the Flight attendant. So the boy walked down the aisle and
asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant asked the young man, "Did your mother
tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. The flight attendant
knelt down and whispered in the little boy's ear, "Tell your
mother that it's because Southwest always pulls out on time."

A nice girl brings home her fiancé to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out
about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study
for a chat.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.

"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.

"A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to
provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies,
"...and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,
such as she deserves?"

"I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us."

"And children? How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide."

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father
questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "So? How did it go?"

"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks
I'm God."

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a
repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to
have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe
really
hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder,
and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into
the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled
her eyes and said...

"HELLLLO... You need to roll up the windows"

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