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10
A Jewish boy gets born without eyelids. Mother asks the
doc "is there any cure for that?"
"Oh yes" replies the surgeon "what we take off the bottom
we will simply add to the top."
"But won't that make him cock-eyed?" Asked the mother.
"No" said the surgeon "but it might give him some
foresight."
11
A patient needed a brain transplant. The doctor was talking to
the
family and someone asked what the brain would cost.
The doc said a male brain would be $20,000 and a female brain would be
$200. Well, amid the smirks from the men in the room and the
indignation of the women, someone piped up and asked the doc why the
difference.
The doc replied, "Well, the female brain has been used."
12
A billionaire banker/team-owner decides to throw a massive
party for his ninety-first birthday. During the party, he
grabs a microphone and announces to his guests that down
in the garden of the mansion he has a swimming pool with two
great white sharks in it. "I will give anything of mine he
desires to the man who swims across that pool."
The party continues with no activity in the pool.
Suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests run to
the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a guy who is swimming as fast as he can. The
sharks fins come out of the water and their jaws are
snapping and this guy just keeps on going. Finally, as the
sharks are gaining on him, this guy reaches the end of the
pool and jumps out, tired and soaked.
The billionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man
of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my
house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I
have ever seen. So, sir, what will it be?" the team-owner
asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start
with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!"
13
Some guys in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One of them walked into the office and said, "We need some
four-by-twos."
"You mean two-by-fours,
don't you?" asked the clerk.
The fellow replied, "Um, I'll have to check with the rest of
the boys." He went out to his truck and within a few minutes
returned to the clerk stating, "Yep, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright," replied
the clerk. "How long do you need
them?"
He stood there scratching his
head while pondering
this question and replied, "Well, um, a long time. We're gonna
build a house."
14
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help
combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium
from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make
his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no
one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the
researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking,
running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the
bones.
But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row,
"You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent
osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"
The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough
calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."
15
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed
and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement
and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all
together and sent them to her with a note stating the
following:
"Regretfully, I cannot remember which one is you ... please keep
your photo and return the others."
16
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
the egg is frowning and looking a bit upset. the egg
mutters to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we
finally answered THAT question!"
17
In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and
demerits of
various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with
great eloquence on the subject.
"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life,
and all due to
simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of
twenty to
that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life----no effeminate
delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer
and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in
the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner,
mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then--"
"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner,
"but
what were you in prison for?"
18
A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd): No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we
don't have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar,
walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
"What the heck do YOU want?"
Duck: Umm. do you have any nails?
Bartender: What!? OF course not.
Duck: Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
19
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed
by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart
began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
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