SAI -- Jokes Page 3

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Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the
teacher singled him out.

"If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave
$50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would
you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an
embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they
are soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here,
I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a
day for seven days and comeback and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office.
"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is
worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What
do you have to say for yourself?".

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've
fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.
The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over
to harass the kid.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got
laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."

A man went into a bar and sat down to order a beer.
A few minutes later another man walked in and sat
down next to him. They began talking, and the
conversation drifted from sports to business and
then to the government when the first man remembered
a really good joke he had heard.

"Hey, this doesn't have anything thing to with with
the government, but I heard a great joke they other
day," he said to the second man.

"Oh, I just love jokes, you must tell me it!"
exclaimed the second man.

"Okay," said the first man. "Well, there were two
blondes walking down the street..."

"Hey! Wait a minute" screamed the second man,
interrupting the first. "I'm blonde, and I have a
few friends here who are also blond. In fact, I'd
like you to meet them" he said. "John, come here a
minute!" he yelled across the bar.

A huge man comes over and sits down next to the
second man.

"This is John, he's wrestles over at the college,"
says the second man, then he turns to John and says,
"Hey why don't you bring your older twin brothers
over here."

So John calls over his brothers and two men, even
bigger than John come over and sit down. The second
man introduces them as Lex and Rex, and said they
tied for first in a national weight-lifting
championship.

He than tells them to tell their father to come over.
So Lex and Rex get their father, who's bigger than all
of of them combined comes over.

"So," says the second man, "do you still feel like
telling that joke?"

"No," is his only reply.

"And why not, are you scared?" asks the second man.

"No", he says, "I just don't feel like having to
explain it five times."

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave
the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you
safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right;
is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda. When
the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand
you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My Lord," said Andy, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't
know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the
cockpit."

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them
in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows.
The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and
puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by
ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government
took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as
many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take
care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of
them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the
government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for
keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to
tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote
for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in
cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they
go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you
can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk
down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the mi
ssing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by< your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred
via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by
the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back
to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight
cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because
the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or
killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies
they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership"
is a symbol of the phallo - centric, war - mongering, intolerant past) two
differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non specified
gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to
have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L,
AUTO,EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

FREE PUPPIES:
50% COCKER SPANIEL - 50% SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 =3DBD BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tosco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

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