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40
There were two gay guy living together. One was more feminine
and
the other more masculine. The masculine one lacked chest hair and
it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he
decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and
if there was something he could do about. Well, the doctor said
there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing
he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all
over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated
enough to produce hair.
The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and
smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and
jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What
in the hell are you doing?"
The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for
comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said, "Don't you
think if that was true that you would have a "pony tail" coming
out of your ass by now?"
41
This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices
this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of
the checkouts.
Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over
and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he
responds, "Sure lady."
They no sooner get out of the store when she again
leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an itchy
pussy."
To which he responds, "You'll have to point it out lady,
all those Japanese cars look alike to me!!"
42
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was
climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual,
"I have a headache."
Perfect, said her husband, I was just in the bathroom
powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it
orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!
43
A fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining that he
thinks
he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and
listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a
banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the
next day with a banana and a cookie.
The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This
is going to hurt a bit."
Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants
and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion
rammed it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, our
hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of
the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised
the doctor.
Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied
with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor took the cookie
and rammed IT up the patient's ass.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring
another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now humbled
patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.
The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a
banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie. And the
next day, and the next day and the next...!!
Every day UP went a banana, waited one minute, then UP went the
cookie.
After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well,
tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in a
banana and a hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine
what a hammer was going to feel like.
"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.
On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine".
So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and
the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer. One minute
passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.
Finally, a little head poked out of the patient's ass...
"WHERE'S MY COOKIE???"
**WHAM!**
44
At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright
young student
popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following
dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me
Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws
of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to
the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting
examinations
may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged
the
modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and
happily slurping away.
Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword
to the examination.
45
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
to turn it
into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the
farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the
farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm
house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of
cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and
the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.
"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have
accomplished
together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
like when
God was working it alone!"
46
A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some
samples for his thesis work. He flew there and found a guide
with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he
where he would make his collections. On the second day of
travel up the river they began to hear drums.
Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by
this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The
guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD
when they stop." Well the biologist settled down a little at
this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks.
Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the
drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of
bricks, and he yelled at the guide, "The drums have stopped,
what happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands
and said, "Bass solo."
47
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a
young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher
shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his
and asked what was he going to do about it.
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy
was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one
day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each
week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting,
too. Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat
home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the
expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman
nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I
have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the
last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
48
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-
story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since
they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide
to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once
you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's
easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's
inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are
short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the
friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men
here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are
tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going
in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth
floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.
This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to
please a woman."
49
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into
a room to meet with his accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million
buck you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and
cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money
is!"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where
the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are
talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know
what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the temple
of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again
where the damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know
where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is
hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you
don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
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