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60
Rules that women should
know...
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get
your fat ass in a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation
and
monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to
like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your
Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?
33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done - not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
36. Women wearing Wonder Bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
37. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you.
38. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed
makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going
to
deter us from reading the magazines.
39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out.
40. Anyone can buy condoms.
41. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
61
TALIBAN: You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan
"countryside" and they both die. You blame the godless American
infidels.
ENRON: You have two cows. You borrow 80% of the forward value of the
two cows from your bank then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest
financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap goes
below $20B at a rate 2 time prime. You now sell three cows to your
publicly listed company, using a letter of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred
via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your
listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows,
with an option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by
your independent auditor and no Balance Sheet provided with the press
release that announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin
trading cows via the Internet site COW (cows on web).
A REPUBLICAN (Yank): You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So
what?
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty
for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you
voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you
the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The
government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a
man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a
bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes
them both, shoots one, milks the
other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force
the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the
cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you
want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they
are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the
milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they
live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where
they are. You break for lunch.
A SOVIET CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you
have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You
count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows
and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know
what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows, none of which belongs to
you. You charge for storing them for others.
Mooo!!!
62
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out
and
cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all
jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Who is
mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammered, "Oh great lion, you are by far
the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and
roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his
trunk, slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion
feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The
elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn
tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away.
The lion hollered after the elephant, "Damn, just because you
don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!"
63
A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend
the night with him for $500, and she did. Before he left in the
morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him,
but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it
to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the price, so he
had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250
for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the
amount agreed upon because when I rented the
apartment I was under the impression that:
it had never been
occupied;
that there was plenty of
heat;
that it was small enough
to make
me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been
previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat,
and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the
check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect
a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied
indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it
if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the
space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please don't blame the landlord.
64
A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian
rugs.
She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to
inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of
the rug, she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.
As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good
day, madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
rug?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very
likely going to shit when you hear the price."
65
A slightly lame housewife opens the door to the milkman at
Christmas time.
"Come in, I want to give you your Christmas bonus"
Warily the milkman entered the house to find that the housewife had made a
full English breakfast.
"Err very kind, thank you" says the milkman.
When he has finished, she entices him upstairs and makes passion with him.
On the way down the stairs the housewife says, "before you go, here's a
couple of quid (£)".
At this the milkman turns to the housewife and says, "I really don't get
it.
First you cook me a wonderful breakfast, then we have serious sex and now
you want to give me money!"
"Yes" says the housewife, "it was my husband's idea. When I
said what shall
we give the milkman for Christmas he said, "Oh f**k him, give him a couple
of quid", and the breakfast was my idea"
66
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus
stop where two Americans are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous francais?" The two continue
to stare.
"Parlare italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know,
maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That guy knew four languages,
and it didn't do him any good."
67
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough of
all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a
crew
building a house all week".
"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working
on the
house again this week too"?
"I will if those useless bastards at the lumber yard ever bring us the
fucking drywall", replied the little girl.
68
Little Johnny and Susie are only ten years old, but they're
sure they're in
love and decided they wanted to get married.
Little Johnny bravely approached Susie's father and said, "Mr. Jones, me
and
Susie love each other and I would like to ask you for her hand in
marriage."
Thinking this was the cutest thing he'd ever heard, Mr. Jones replied,
"Well,
Johnny, you are only ten years old. Where will the two of you live?"
Without hesitation, Johnny replied, "In Susie's room, of course. It's much
larger than mine and we can both fit all our stuff in there very nicely."
"Ok then, Johnny," a grinning Mr. Jones said, "How will the two
of you live?
You aren't old enough to get a job yet and you'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny quickly replied, "We have our allowances. Susie makes five
dollars a week and I make ten. That's about sixty dollars a month, so that
should do us just fine."
By this time, Mr. Jones realized that Johnny had put a great deal of thought
into his proposal. So, he thought for a moment, trying to come up with
something that Johnny wouldn't know how to answer.
After another moment, Mr. Jones said, "Johnny, it seems like you have
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will
you do if the two of you should happen to have
little ones of your own?"
Shrugging his shoulders, Johnny replied, "Well, Mr. Jones, we've been lucky
so
far.."
69
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied, "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped
them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."
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