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70
A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus
down on a stool
and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.
"He can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that
he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't
play.
A bloke walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately
the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy
Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.
Another bloke walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the
trumpet better than Louis Armstrong. The man pays up his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the
octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused
look.
"Ha Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye nae can plae it, can ye ?" The
octopus looks up
at him and says "Play it?.... I'm going to f**k it as soon as I figure out
how to get its pajamas off.."
71
A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it
all over his face. "Look Mom -- I'm a white boy."
His mom slaps him and says "Don't be so stupid! Go show your father."
He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a white boy."
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Don't be so stupid! Go show your Grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Look granny, I'm a white boy."
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?"
To which the boy replies, "Sure enough did. I have only
been white for five minutes and I already hate you black
people!"
72
Boris, a Russian man, saves his rubles for twenty years to buy
a new
car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least
bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for
the new car to be delivered.
He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door
he pauses and turns back to the salesman, "Do you know which week two
years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.
The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two
years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out
again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you
possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will
arrive?"
The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it
will be exactly two years from this week, on a Thursday.
Boris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though
the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm
sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years
from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"
Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another
time and says sharply, "It will be in the *afternoon,* two years from
now on Thursday!"
"That's a relief," says Boris, "the plumber is coming that
morning."
73
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the
impressive Mann
Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was
admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance,
and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his
escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the
world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from
Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."
74
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, that dill
Forgot her pill
And now they have a son.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
75
The only cow in a small Idaho town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Montana for $200.
They bought the cow from Montana and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow
would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away
from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset
and decided to ask the vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the vet
what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves
away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he
approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach
from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did
you by chance, buy this cow in Montana?" The people were dumbfounded, since
no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a
wise vet," they said. "How did you know we acquired the cow in
Montana?" The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is
from Montana."
76
Little Johnny's next door neighbor went to see a
psychiatrist.
"The other day," the woman said, "I happened to see
my daughter and the little boy next door both naked,
examining each other's bodies."
"Well, that's not unusual," smiled the psychiatrist,
"I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that."
"But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I
don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my
daughter's husband."
77
A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that
he was afraid that his teenage son had come down with VD.
"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it
has to be her."
"Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "These things
happen."
"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that
I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the
same symptoms."
"That's unfortunate."
"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."
"Oh Shit," said the doc, "That means we all have it."
78
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild
thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were
only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him,
"What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him
the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she
asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my
girlfriend."
79
SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are
bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-
consuming households score below average on
standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was
baked in the home, the average life expectancy
was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth;
and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and
influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects
deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged
for bread after as little as two days.
6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the
user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut
butter, and even cream cheese.
7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the
human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows
that eating bread could lead to your body being taken
over by this absorptive food product, turning you into
a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.
8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450
degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an
adult in less than two minutes.
10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable
to distinguish between significant scientific fact
and meaningless statistical babbling.
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