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80
A man and a woman got in an elevator at the same time one day.
The man
asked the woman which floor she wanted.
"Second floor", she said, "They're paying 25 dollars
a pint at the
blood bank".
The man replied, "I'm going to the fourth. They pay 200
dollars an
ounce at the sperm bank".
A week later the man and woman both got on the same elevator again.
The man, recognizing the woman asked, "Second floor?".
With her mouth closed and her cheeks puffed out, she just shook her
head and held up four fingers.
81
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf
and
their wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot
in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her
skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason
for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance
that I
have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a
ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a
molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her
skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a
reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I
cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an
exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head
revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her
irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."
82
An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the
first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along.
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replies, "Oooooh, no rike Chinese? Why dat?"
"You bombed Pearl harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."
"Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese...it doesn't matter, they're all alike."
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer says, "No rike Jew."
"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
"No. no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no
mattah...all same."
83
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out
at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know
what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease
him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load,
or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his
choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes
the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store
manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior,
those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't
know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you
grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime,
they'd quit doing it!"
84
A horny college kid borrowed his roommate's car, scraped
together every penny he could find, picked up his date
at her parent's house and took her to a nice restaurant
for dinner.
But he got more and more upset when she proceeded to
order everything pricey on the menu: fancy mixed drinks,
lobster, champagne, the works.
Finally, he couldn't stay silent any more and blurted,
"Does your mother feed you like this at home?"
"Nope," she replied with a demure smile, "but my mom's
not trying to get laid either."
85
There were some guys sitting behind a couple of nuns
at a football game. The men decided to badger the
nuns, to get them to move. So the first one says to
the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear),
"I think I want to move to Utah, there are only 100
Catholics living there..."
The second guy speaks up and says, "I want to go to
Montana, there are only 50 Catholics living there..."
The third guy speaks up and says, "I want to go to
Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there..."
One of the nuns turns around and looks the third guy
in the eye and calmly says, "Why don't you go to hell,
there aren't any Catholics there."
86
Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said,
"Doc, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and
then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"
"98!" Johnson announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. . .
Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you.
You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining
that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too,
and it don't hurt!"
87
Some racehorses are staying in a stable.
One of them starts to boast about his track record.
"In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races,
I've won 20!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!"
says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been
sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the
greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed.
"Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence.
"A talking dog!"
88
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the
street from the old established hair cutters' place.
They put up a big bold sign which read:
"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:
"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"
89
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.
She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk,
"I suppose you will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.
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