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90
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but
succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided
to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit
down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was
nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for
something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think
he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "According
to the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"
91
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get
photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too
thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home
office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured
by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough,
a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with
his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The
pilot
swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the
instructor?"
92
A couple drove several miles down a country road in terse silence. Not a word was said to each other.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede his position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws".
93
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office.
"We have come for an examination" said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "It's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
94
Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing
cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership
and just gave one of his friends two new cars of his choice!"
"MY son," said the second, "started out serving
lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the
real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"MY son," said the third, "started out sweeping the
floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically
owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out
to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay
hairdresser and he has several boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him two cars, a
mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday."
95
A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the
only vacant
seat, directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair.
His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's
without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and
his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the
bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you
looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very
young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had a
relationship with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
96
One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm
waving
from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he
rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed
the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was
startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to Miss?" he stammered.
"Kings Cross," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are
you looking at driver?"
"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay
your
fare?"
"The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at
the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"
97
NEW YORK ... Year 2032.
A man is walking down the streets of Manhattan with his kid.
All of a
sudden they stop in front of a park, and the man comments to his son...
"Just think, many years ago the Twin Towers used to be here..."
So the son asks him with an intrigued look in his face... "Dad, what
were the Twin Towers?".
"They were two very tall buildings with lots of offices, but 31 years
ago a bunch of terrorists from the Middle East crashed a plane into
each one and they collapsed".
"Dad, what was the Middle East?"
98
A guy called Richard goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, my pecker has turned orange."
The doctor takes a look and says "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some
tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work, is it a chemical plant?"
Richard answers "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now, and I've
just been sitting around the house watching pornos and eating cheetos."
99
Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent
over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would just
kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to
miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she
called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart
would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below
your left
breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her left knee.
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