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100
A homely woman was walking past a pet shop and was shocked to hear a
parrot
screaming at her.
"Hey woman!" It cried. "You're too ugly to walk past my window.
Put a
bag over your head!"
"What did you say?" The woman demanded.
"I said you're bloody ugly!" The parrot squawked. "I bet your
husband
follows you around everywhere just so he doesn't have to kiss you
goodbye!"
The woman was furious. She stormed into the shop, grabbed the owner
and threatened that unless he shut the parrot up she would sue him and
kill the parrot. The owner hastily assured her that she would never be
insulted again.
The next day the woman walked past the pet shop and froze as the
parrot shrieked again.
"Hey woman!" It squawked flapping its wings to get her attention.
The woman fixed it with an evil glare (the parrot was right, she was a
10 pinter.
"What?" she demanded.
The parrot chuckled and turned its back. "You know."
101
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't piss
them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make
you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take
a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And
a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
animal,
and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one
thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid
vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind.
If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for
you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
102
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce children beyond comparison. With that
as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the
East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter
he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous
daughters that positively took his breath away. So he
explained his mission to the farmer, asking for
permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get
married, so you came to the right place. Look them over
and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the
farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not
that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the
other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not
that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to
see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's
perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"
So they were wed right away.
Nine Months later, a little boy was born. When the man
visited nursery he was horrified: the little boy was the
ugliest, most pathetic baby you can imagine. He rushed
to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could
happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeeee
bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you
met her."
103
The owner of a hair salon in Peru, came up with this great
idea to attract more business into the salon. His idea was
topless hairdressing. He thought customers would have much
more to look at while sitting in the chair.
The president of Peru's Hairdressers and Cosmetologists
Employer's Association heard about the idea and they were
not impressed. They became very upset that it would
"degrade the whole industry".
The president put it in his own words he said "What would
happen if one of the girls would spill some particular hair
products on their nipples?' The question remains
unanswered......
104
24 Insured Cigars go up in smoke
A Charlotte NC man purchased a box of very rare and
expensive cigars and insured them against fire among other
things. Within a month having smoked his entire stock-pile
of these great cigars, the man filed a claim against the
insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars
were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance
company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The man sued....and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance
company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated
nevertheless, that the man held a policy from the company in
which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and
also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable
fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to
the man for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART
After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had
him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance
claim and testimony from the previous case being used against
him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning insured
property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00
fine.
This is a true story and was the first place winner in the
recent Criminal Lawyers Darwin Award Contest.
105
AA man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster
disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the
door bell. A farmer appeared.
The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied. "The hens are 'round
back."
106
While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the
table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway.
By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a
place to turn around.
The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the
restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.
When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the woman got out of
the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "And while
you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too."
107
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the
Queen. He
asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround
herself with intelligent people.
He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the
right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this
question:
Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not
your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up
and
says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the
Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to
the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a
question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has
a child,
and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to
you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and
they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with
an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell
answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know
the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."
108
Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the
seat was in the the last row in the corner of the stadium. He
was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty
seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided
to take a chance and made his way through the the stadium
and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said
"No."
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob
said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their
right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and
not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is
the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got
married in 1967."
"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you
find someone
> to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
109
A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science Classroom,
staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head,
hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil. 2. Never goes sour. 3. Available whenever necessary. So
far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to
write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen and triumphantly, he scribbled
his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers of varying
sizes.
He received an A
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