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110
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center.
Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning
supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she
was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap,
the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get
out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind
kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there,
you'll be home in no time."
111
Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator, "This is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I
once
rode her mother."
Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one
behind it
which is identical."
Greg Norman, "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father."
Alan Minter, "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none
of
them serious."
Terry Venables, "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect
the
same thing again"
Ron Atkinson, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it - you
can
see it all over their faces."
Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977, "Ah, isn't that nice, the
wife of the
Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on
the field."
David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the
back
straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
US TV Commentator, "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so
well
is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh
my God, what have I just said?"
112
A Taliban Army platoon was on patrol when the commander
noticed a lone Marine
standing on a hilltop in their area. The commander told two of his soldiers to
go take out the Marine, so they dropped their packs and promptly ran as fast as
they could toward him.
Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the
hill. The two soldiers followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody
screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it
had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. He brushed off
his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking
at the Taliban soldiers.
The infuriated commander called for a squad to go get the Marine. They promptly
ran as fast as they could toward him. Just before they got to the top, the
Marine ran over the other side of the hill.
The squad followed, and for the next few minutes there were bloody screams and
dust flying in the air.
Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the
hilltop. Brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and
stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers once again.
The commander was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack
the Marine. Determined that Taliban soldiers were far superior to one lone
Marine, they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill. Just before they
got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The
bloodthirsty soldiers followed. For many minutes there were horrific screams
and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued.
Finally, one lone Taliban soldier came crawling back to the commander, all
bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His uniform was torn, cuts were
all over his body. The commander asked for a
report. The lone soldier, trying to catch his breath, replied in a forceful and
trembling voice: "Sir,...run,.it's a trick. There are TWO of them!!"
113
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the
drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a
hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"For fuck's sake, you wanker, it's 2 o'clock in the morning!!"
114
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on the bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
115
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when
he noticed a white band from just above his eyes to the top
of his head.
Fearing he was turning white, he called his doctor and told
him of his problem. The doctor advised him to come to his
office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of
brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it
all.
Jesse did and replied that it tasted like shit.
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."
116
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and
were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to
go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a
piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
117
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife
Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten
so bad, I couldn't see where the ball went."
"You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife.
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.
"Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball
for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung
and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did
you see where it went?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
118
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the
pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at
the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could
you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?
The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr
Kiiinnnggg."
119
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
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