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120
If a man says something in the middle of a forest
and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
121
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they
connect, they
end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows
her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely
packed ith sweet cuddly Teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along floor,
cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous
bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection
of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides
not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive
side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's
clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are
lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks,
smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The man says, "You can pick any prize from the bottom shelf."
122
Sometimes we can learn by negative examples. Here's
a list I found called, "Ten Ways to be Unhappy":
1. Make little things bother you. Don't just let
them, make them.
2. Lose you perspective on things and keep it lost:
don't put first things first.
3. Find yourself a good worry, one about which you
can do nothing.
4. Be a perfectionist, which means not that you work
hard to do your best, but that you condemn yourself
and others for not achieving perfection.
5. Be right. Be always right. Be the only one who is
always right, and be rigid in your rightness.
6. Don't trust or believe people, or accept them at
anything but their worst and weakest.
7. Be suspicious. Insist that others always have
hidden motives.
8. Always compare yourself unfavorably to others.
This guarantees instant misery.
9. Take personally everything that happens to you.
10. Don't give yourself whole-heartedly to anyone or
anything.
123
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left
shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still
good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses
drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street
to see if I could do it first."
124
Lawyer driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that
was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the
calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what
the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years
it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The lawyer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to
the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's post-dated
six years from now."
125
A bartender was washing the glasses, when an elderly
Irishman came in. With
great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled
himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman then looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that
Jesus
down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,
too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved
very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of
Chianti.
He also looked down the bar and asked if it was Jesus sitting at the end of the
bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti,
too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and
yelled, "Barkeep', gis us a lager dere la! Hey, is dat dat God's Boy
down
dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager,
too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a
jig out of the door. Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, "For
your
kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian then felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his
head and did a flip out of the door. Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but
the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't you f**kin touch me! I'm on
Disability!"
126
THE FIVE STAGES OF INEBRIATION
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always
RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This
makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the
entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear
in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about
any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You
can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck
full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this
stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will
win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are
RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because
now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because
nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners
of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are
RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to
fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your
lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still
SMART, you know all the words.
127
A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street
corner during a sudden windstorm.
She was bracing herself by holding a light post with
one hand, and she was holding her hat snuggly against
her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong
gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap
in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.
The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, everybody is taking a
look at what you've got. Don't you think that pulling
your dress down is more important than worrying about
your hat?"
"Look here, sonny - what these people are looking at
is 85 years old, but the hat is BRAND NEW!"
128
Richard had just returned from a week long seminar.
His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked
if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible.
"Well..." said Rich, "I met this blonde and turned
out she was an salesrep-in-training and wanted me
to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended
up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "That may explain your fatigue,
but why are your eyes so red?"
"Well..." said Rich, "Turns out she was married and
had a baby at home. She started crying with remorse,
and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so
I cried too."
"I see." chided the boss, "But that seminar ended
Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"
"Well..." said Rich, "You can't sit there and cry 4-5
times a day for four days and not look like this."
129
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies
of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed
his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the
sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is
wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator
in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have
three wishes"
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust
a person
from the IR"
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***WHOOSH***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he
is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***WHOOSH***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter
where
I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***WHOOSH***
He is turned into a tampon
The moral of the story?
If the tax man offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
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