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130
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins! If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"
131
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
132
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly
beautiful
teen-aged daughters.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine
months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could
be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a
stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
133
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated,
he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send
you off
to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has
to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The
first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and
opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
134
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with
talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just
pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No
more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went
to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something.
I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered
me as much as a glass of water."
135
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!"
exclaims the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice
juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
real money."
> "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he
replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
136
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling
Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh,
don't
talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
something
I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's
all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned
you."
137
A 7 year-old and his 4 year-old brother are upstairs in their
bedroom. The 7
year-old is explaining that it is about time that the two of them begin
swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7 year old
says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell'
and
you say 'ass'." The 4 year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother
walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7
year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Pancakes."
The surprised mother reacts quickly and smacks his rear. WHACK! The boy runs
upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.
With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son,
"And
what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the 4 year-old blubbers, "But you can bet your
ass it's not
gonna be Pancakes!"
138
Little Johnny and his older sister were sitting at the
breakfast table and Little Johnny was reading the ads
in the paper.
He looked up and said, "Now here is a great sale on
tyres!"
"What do you want tyres for?" his sister said, "You
don't have a car."
Little Johnny replied, "Hey, I don't complain when you
go out and buy a new bra!"
139
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and
said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to
ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
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