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140
A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day
when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the
car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road.
The penguin drives around the corner to a service station
and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic
says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes
back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with
his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds
an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice
cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and
its Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the
counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has
no hands so it is rather messy.
By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his
flippers and his mouth-a total mess. He walks back to the
service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find
out what is wrong with my car?"
The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream."
141
The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced
that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier
climate.
After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor
with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to
miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"
The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now,
Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place
might be even better than me".
"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice,
"That's what they said the last time too . . . "
142
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to
attend church to find
a suitable woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they
got there, he whips out his manhood
and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He decides that she is obviously not pure enough.
A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he
pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies "A cock".
He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.
A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home
with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it
out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has
finally found
his woman.
They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she
giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and
says "Look
this is not a pee-pee, it's a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not silly, a cock is 12 inches long and
black."
143
A blonde woman, a black woman and a Hispanic woman were travelling across
the country by jet. Halfway through the trip, the pilot comes on the
intercom and announces, "I have some bad news. We are having major
engine trouble and a crash is inevitable, so please prepare yourself."
The blonde immediately opens her purse and frantically touches up her
makeup. The Hispanic woman says, "What are you doing? We're going to
crash! We're not going to a party!"
The blonde answers, "I know, but I heard that they always save the
beautiful people first in a crash."
The Hispanic woman then goes through her purse and puts on every bit of
jewelery she has and puts on the beautiful new sweater she was taking to
her mother as a gift.
The black woman sees this and asks, "Girl, are you crazy? What are you
doing?"
The Hispanic woman says, "I heard, that in a crash, they always look for
the rich people first."
The black woman then jumps up and removes her skirt and panties. The
other two women ask her what she is doing.
"I don't know where you two get your information, but when I see a plane
crash on the news, the first thing they look for is the black box!"
144
This guy walks into a bar down in Texas and orders a white wine.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from
around here where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist ... what the hell is a
taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and
shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
145
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and
what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a
hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and
waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis
elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.
146
An
80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to
go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the
problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the
doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing
things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the
doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife
asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had
better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will
forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I
can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of
bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
147
These three men went
into business together and the first one said:
"I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president
and chairman of the board."
"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm
appointing myself vice president, secretary and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner.
"What's that make me?"
The chairman said,
"I'm appointing you vice president of sex and music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man,
"but what does it mean?"
"It means that when I want your fucking advice, I'll whistle."
148
The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give
one her sale
clerks a ' pep talk '. "Karen, your figures are well below any of our other
salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm
afraid you'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Karen. "Can you give me any
advice on how to
do better?"
"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but
it's
worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you
come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into
your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the
results."
Sure enough, Karen's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month,
the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my
little
trick?" she asked.
Karen nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I
did:.... ' Fantastic.' "
"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly.
"How have you
been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl
had
just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said,
'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter
always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said
'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she
needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in
charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of
anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said
'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars
of other merchandise. It's been like that all week: the customers keep
boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."
"Excellent work, Karen," complimented her boss. "Just as a point
of interest,
what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power
word?"
Karen shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a sh*t ?'"
149
Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they
spin to Oz. After many threatening trials and tribulations,
they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the
Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU
WANT?"
Jimmy Carter timidly steps forward: "I had a terrible time
with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM," says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need
a brain."
"DONE," says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT
WIZARD?"
George Bush steps up. "I'm told by the American people that
I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE," says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just
standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE
EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"
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