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150
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina.
He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he
was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going
into
retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
U.S.
and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do
things
here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC
Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick
me
three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local
custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city
feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the
man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's
third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet
and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can
have
the duck."
151
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard
times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to
spend in on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are
you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens
fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him
for a home-cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While
they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity
gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry
when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want
her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble
or play golf."
152
A billionaire banker/team-owner decides to throw a massive
party for his ninety-first birthday. During the party, he
grabs a microphone and announces to his guests that down
in the garden of the mansion he has a swimming pool with two
great white sharks in it. "I will give anything of mine he
desires to the man who swims across that pool."
The party continues with no activity in the pool.
Suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests run to
the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a guy who is swimming as fast as he can. The
sharks fins come out of the water and their jaws are
snapping and this guy just keeps on going. Finally, as the
sharks are gaining on him, this guy reaches the end of the
pool and jumps out, tired and soaked.
The billionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man
of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my
house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I
have ever seen. So, sir, what will it be?" the team-owner
asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start
with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!"
153
A father picked up his 9-year-old daughter after school to
take her home.
On the way, they were stopped at a traffic light. The little girl looked out
the window and saw two dogs, a male and a female, doing what dogs do.
"Daddy," she asked, "what are those dogs doing?"
Not wanting to get into a discussion about the facts of life
with his
daughter at her tender age, and, in a hurry to get through traffic to go
home, her father replied, "Well, honey, the little dog on top must have hurt
his feet on the hot cement, so the doggie underneath is just helping out by
giving him a ride home. Okay?"
The little girl glanced back at the dogs, sighed, and said,
"Isn't that just
the way it always is ... you try to help someone out and they fuck you in
the ass...
154
During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, "The Bible covers
everything. I challenge anyone to name a subject I can't find in the Good
Book."
A woman in a back pew raises her hand and asks, "What about PMS?"
Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the
Bible before
exclaiming, "Oh here it is: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to
Bethlehem.'"
155
This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast
of Newfoundland
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees
to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say
again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE
SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.
WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS
AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE
YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
156
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an
apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when
she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying
vigorously. So the journalist goes down to the wall,
and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have
you done that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day
for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and
then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of
tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of
illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to
come here every day for 25 years and pray for these
things?" she asks.
157
A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little
boy pulls
down his shorts and says, "*I* have one of these and you don't."
The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home
to her mother.
The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once
again the boy points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of
these and you don't."
But the little girl just keeps on playing.
"How come you're not crying today," asks the boy.
"My mother told me," says the little girl,
pulling up her dress, "that
with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."
158
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's
chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with
the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he
had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and
spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like
that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and
I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
159
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only
one carrion allowed per passenger."
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