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160
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a) When you're ready for them.
b) When you're not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming
friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a
plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever
volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed.
25. If a buddy says something like, "No seriously. First you
blow me, then I'll
blow you" -- don't fall for it -- it's a trap.
161
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's
chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with
the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he
had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and
spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like
that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and
I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
162
Why don't roosters have hands?
Because hens don't have tits.
163
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only
one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known
as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat
it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer,"
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back
and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade"
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him ... what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
164
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her !
165
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was
empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage
was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's
your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What
idiot
named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
166
One day, a priest went into a public bathroom to use
the cubical. While he was on the toilet, he heard
moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood
up to look over, and there was a young man, sitting
on the toilet playing with himself.
The priest was shocked. He told the young man that
he knew what he was doing in there and that he should
save it for marriage.
The young man agreed to this only because it was
coming from a priest.
About a week later, the priest ran into the young man
at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his
problem.
The young man replied, "Great father! I've saved a
whole quart!"
167
A man called into a local radio station and told the
"morning
guys" that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he
quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold
out?"
Reply: "Until my girlfriend dies."
168
A young man called John invites his mum over for dinner.
During the meal,
she can't help but notice how handsome his roommate Simon is and how close
they seem to be. Naturally, she begins to suspect that there is more to the
relationship than meets the eye.
Sensing her curiosity, John volunteers: "I know what you are thinking Mum
but I can assure you that Simon and I are just room mates."
Mum goes home and about a week later, Simon says to John: "Ever since
your
mother came to dinner I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You
don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it," says
John, "but I'll
e-mail her just to be sure."
So he sits and writes the following message: "Dear Mum, I'm not
saying you
'did' take the gravy ladle from my house and I'm not saying you 'didn't'
take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner. Love John"
A day later he gets the reply: "Dear Son, I'm not saying you 'are' sleeping
with Simon, and I'm not saying you 'aren't' sleeping with Simon, but the
fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bloody bed he would have
found the damn Gravy Ladle by now...Love Mum."
169
A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope.
Finally, his wish was granted. When the gentleman
approached the Pope he said, "Your Eminence, I am so
happy to be given this chance to speak with you and I
would like to tell you a joke before I start."
The Pope replied, "Of course my son. Go ahead and tell
your joke."
The gentleman continued, "There were these two Pollocks
and..."
The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realize that I am
Polish?"
"I'm sorry, your Eminence, I'll speak slower . . ."
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