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170
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you
like to do
first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
So they ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120
pounds. She got on
the scale; it read 117, and she won a prize. Next the couple went on
the Ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she
would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the
weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed
her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where
to next. "I want to get
weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really
weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura - it was wousy."
171
John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and
one
evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to
see
who could deliver the best toast.
Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening,
"Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me
Wife."
When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the
Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best
toast of the evening."
His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's To
The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."
His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in
your Toast."
172
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."'
173
The following psychological test was developed by a think tank of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are incredibly accurate in describing your personality with one simple question:
Which is your favourite Teletubbie:
A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red
Profile for women...
A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people!
B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.
C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.
D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to
anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive
combination.
Profile for men...
A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.
B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay.
C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.
D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.
174
A man and a woman are driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
175
A teacher was giving a science lesson about whales to her fourth grade class. One little girl asked if whales ate people.
"Whales can’t swallow people," the teacher said,
"Even though they are large mammals, their throats are very small.”
"But Jonah was swallowed by a whale," the little girl replied.
"That just can’t be," the teacher said, "it’s physically impossible."
"When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah," said the little girl.
The teacher, a bit miffed, asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
"Then you ask him," she replied.
176
An 80-year old man walks into the doctor's office for his regular check-up.
The doctor says to him, "Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?"
"Great," says the old man. "I have an 18-year old wife, and she's pregnant with my child."
The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, "Ted, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and early one morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a beaver. He aims at the beaver with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam!! The beaver falls dead to the ground."
"What?!" cries the old man. "Why that's impossible! Someone else must have shot the beaver."
"Exactly," says the doctor.
177
Inspirational Posters for Real Life
_________________________________________________________________
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings . . . they
did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos . . . then
you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the
situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the
job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a
scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
178
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays
until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When
he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off
his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs,
he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty
pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass
carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't
know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he
noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure
enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired
the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to
bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and
he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story,
when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you
go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of
beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got
plastered
last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this
morning
and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
179
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your
help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way,
when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth
it.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
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